Post Christmas............

I wonder why it is that i always feel a sense of sadness and almost a sense of loss when i awake the morning after Christmas.  I suppose it must be a result of the climactic build up, then the crashing descent once all of the hustle and bustle comes to a halt.  At Christmas time the everyday drudgery of life seems not only bearable, but worries and doubts seem to dissappear entirely as hope blooms covered with a fluffy, frosty white blanket.









I know how flighty and circumstancially dependent that resolutions can be. I do have a couple ideas however.  Here are a few of mine:

• using less sugar
• exercising more since my balance is returning
• starting to run again

This New Year i am determined to look forward to future blessings that God will bring in 2011.  And to force this unthankful heart into submission.  My promises before God and even feelings toward Him may be circumstancially dependent, but His love and grace are always present in my life.......so i have a reason to be thankful and even expectant!

Day Four: Slowly but Surely!

Although today is only the fourth day ive been taking my prescription....i am  feeling confident that the seizures are dissapating.  I sense steadiness on my feet that i haven't felt in such a long time.  Its difficult to put into  words how grateful  i feel as i'm beginning to regain control of the movement in my lower extremities, and find that once again i am ordering my steps properly....whoo hoo.  Its crazy, i even feel more steady while in the shower!  Its truly been FOREVER since i could shift my frame of vision without being dizzy.....it truly is the little things that matter most, especially this holiday season.  Thankful today for the miracles that He is accomplishing in my life this Christmas! 

I know this may seem crazy to most, but i was like a kid @ Christmas, or in a candy shop as i opened my long awaited Christmas present this morning.......my first 6 month supply of seizure meds!  Now don't misunderstand me, its not usually the first item on my wish list either!  I have been anticipating insurance coverage specifically for this medicine for about four months now, and finally today they were delivered to me!  So far I feel the same, after all this is only my first day taking this stuff.......although i will be updating you with any progress noted or silly side effects via blog.  Excited, a bit scared, but mostly hopeful about what God will do! 

Merry Christmas to all of you!

Stop Stealing My Joy!

If you are anything like me, you are spending much of your day struggling with feelings of doubt, while longing for the joy that those around you seem to experience naturally.  These negative emotions seem magnified during the holidays!  What should be a Christ centered, joy filled season becomes another monotous to do list, and you find yourself celebrating out of obligation.  

I've made it a daily goal, to read a Proverb a day out of the Bible, since the book is comprised of  31 chapters.....and most months of the year have 31 days in them.  So it just works.  Today was a tough one for me to read and even more difficult to live out!  Proverbs 16 is rough, since i am constantly trying to regain control of my life and future.  When i feel my joy slipping away, Proverbs helps me to re-center.

 Right from the start, this chapter grates on me, "the plans of the heart belong to man, but the answer of the tongue is from the Lord."  Whether, i feel like His plans are best, they ARE. So I just wait on God, for guidance...praying and obeying as He leads. Check.  Impossible to make plans work (for the moment that is), till i find out more about my health situation anyway.  Not that i don't make plans @ all, but God's will and timing supercede mine!

For me, the best way to steal back my joy is by remembering to thank God for what has done, is doing, and will continue doing in my life.  (i make this list on paper, i need to be reminded frequently)  I am making tentative plans, while i wait for further direction.......sorta the way a child wildly and excitedly awaits Christmas morning~

All About Perspective

Sometimes, like this morning......nostalgia sets in, and i begin to remember the holiday seasons of the past :)

I remember being a child @ Christmas......the anticipation of the season and all it would bring.  The beautiful pine aroma of the Christmas tree.  I loved shaping, painting, then baking....but most of all, eating all types of cookies.  Sometimes my soul longs for the hope of that faithful childlike perspective, where ANYTHING WAS POSSIBLE if i believed! 

As an adult, i now have a different perspective.  Sometimes belief in possibilities seems much more difficult to grasp, much less hold onto.  As i lay here listening to Christmas music on Pandora, my mind  began wondering about the different 'characters' in the Christmas Story.  I wonder how Joseph could trust that Mary had been faithful, while enduring the ridicule of the townspeople.  Also, how Mary could trust God would fulfill His promise that it would all be worth it when she finally gave birth to the Messiah.  Did the shepards immediately just abondon their posts to follow some star up in the sky.......i mean they must have hesitated to trust God with that one!  Ha.

I think what makes these otherwise very ordinary people, capable of such extraordinary things is their perspective.  They believed God, and that He could do "exceeding abundantly above all they asked or thought".  Sunday, i will begin taking new meds, and my goal is to maintain the same kind of perspective...... believing that God still works miracles in the lives of those who believe. 

"And God is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think according to the power that works within us."  -Ephesians 3:20

It's mid December.....and a ripe 24 degrees, and i dare not guess what temperature it is once wind chill is factored in!!!!!! (yikes)  I threw caution to the wind this morning and went for a peaceful, and FRIGID walk.  Now to those of you who are living in a climate like Boston, New York, presently experiencing the chill accompanying this time of year..........you probably think walking outdoors is quite silly, a bit insane perhaps.  But considering my current living situation/driving situation, and sometimes the most sane thing i can think to do to clear my head is walk.
While i am walking i can leave the attic, where i currently reside (a finished attic mind you, and also the attic of the most loving and beautiful family that i know), bringing along with me all of my cares and concerns plaguing me from the moment that i awake in the morning......and deliver them up to the One who is the Deliverer.
When i am alone with God, perspective changes....its less about me and more about Him.  I've heard it said, "God whispers to us in the good times, but He screams to us in trial or pain."   The second that i cleared my head and listened to make it 'about Him'....i swear i could hear Him screaming Proverbs 3:5-6, LEAN NOT UNTO YOUR OWN UNDERSTANDING!!!!!  Right, this makes sense to me.  After all, i know how limited and circumstantial my 'own understanding' is.  Its the next part that is tough for me to wrap my head around.
ACKNOWLEGE HIM, now this is the hard part.  Seek His will, forsaking mine.  But this grates against every fiber of my being!  But then, the promise...He will lead and direct my path.
After all my years of knowing God (23 to be exact), i ve realized that truth be told, i am not the author of my own life. He is writing my story.  He is the Potter, and my job is to remain moldable.  Conformable to His image.

thanks for reading,
Jessie

Illumination......don't you love when light appears @ the end of the tunnel!!

Over the past few years of my life, i ve had what i consider to be 'a series of unfortunate events'.  Those who are closest with me, and also (to some degree) the entire facebook community have seen and experienced some of the emotion that fly on the skirtails of these events. lol.

For those who happen upon this with no previous knowlege of what i m referring to, allow me to recap: 
Anyone who knows or has been around me can can attest to my constant clumsiness.....which i had always written of as me being my quirky and excitable  self :)  Since afterall, id never been given any thought past what my physicians had said as i was growing up was a 'non issue'.

As it turns out, the clumsiness and what my parents and friends saw as absentmindedness turned into dizziness......which i learned was due to seizures that i d been having all along.  Crazy thing is,that what prompted all of this testing, brainscanning, etc. was that i totalled my car.  Apparently, I had been driving for years with no idea that @ anytime i could seize up and drive into a pole....which is ironically what DID happen!  Eventually, 2.5 years into testing and appointments and three different neurologists later......i was diagnosed with Mitochondrial disease.

Yippee skippee, @ least i know there is medical exuse and i could begin thanking God for answers!  I wasn't just being an absentminded nitwit afterall!  Although i am very usure of the future implications that may accompany this  disease, i can attest to the miracles of Jesus...not only as i am privy to knowlege of them in the Bible, but personal life experience has proved God is miraculously working within my life and in my body.

Today i saw light at the end of the tunnel.  I recieved special insurance coverage for the seizure meds i was prescribed!  He is faithful, and He does all things well :)
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