So its been a while. Today I am hurting. My sister lost her husband to bone and lung cancer. That  should fill me with peace. and joy for knowing He is free of pain in the arms of Jesus. Still I am compuzzled and crying for the pain that Crystal feels.

I feel  the need to write a thankfulness list...ready set go.

1. Today i am thankful that he is working all  together for good.
2. Today i am thankful for His presence when my heart feels lonely.
3. I am thankful that my brother in law is now at home with the Lord.
4. I am thankful Jesus hears my prayers.
5. I am thankful for my family.

Most of all i am thankful for the love of Jesus, who makes miracles out of our messes!

Give thanks. In Everything...

Everything.  Even when i can't see the road ahead, thanking God for what i cannot see....not yet at least.  Thanking Him for His watchcare over my life, and that He knows what is around each corner when i haven't got a clue.  Thanking Him for going before me, when i am still wrestling to find courage to take the next step.  Because after all, fear of the unknown may just be what scares me most and interrupts my "walking by faith".

Today i have been spending time with my friend Jaime and her adorable, affectionate......and GIGANTIC dog, Dozer.  Dozer is the best, most faithful guard dog ever.  He weighs in at about 100 lbs, and shakes the house when he jumps.  But i love how safe i feel around this giant pit bull......he would never allow anything to harm or hurt me or his owners.  God's protection is the same.....He is LOVE, He will guard me and lead me.....in His arms and with Him watching.......there i AM SAFE.  Thank You.

Separation Anxiety Much...ahhhhhhhhhh!

Most times whenever i sense the winds of change beginning to blow, my conversations with God go (admittedly) a little something like this:

Me: God why are you changing everything up on me when I was just starting to feel settled?  (of course i start the conversation.....I am ALWAYS TALKING!)

God: My desire for you is not that you find your security and stability here.  The things that you see and feel are so temporal, but it IS my desire that you rest in me....knowing i am holding you up.  Things and circumstances may change, but I NEVER WILL.

Me: But how can You allow me to experience so much anxiety with each new step or phase of life?

God:  My darling, anxiety is NOT my plan for you....I offer peace that transcends human understanding!  When doubt and anxiety are seeping into your heart....lean not unto your understanding, instead lean on Me and I will be your Compass!

Me:  But, but, but God.........this feeling of separation anxiety sucks............ugh.  Please help?!

God:  Abide in Me <3

"THE STAND"

During my short lifetime i've read tons of awesome and rather heroic stories written in tribute to great heroes of the faith....the Bible is full of countless examples of those brave men and women who had the privilege of standing for Jesus.  I admit though, that for me, these great and lofty examples seem very unrelatable to me as i face everyday life....i just don't feel strong enough to stand before a giant on most days, and i def don't feel qualified to "stand" as the Apostle Paul did (or @ times, maybe i am much to scared to take such a stand).  And if i even had the time to count the cost or consider how unpopular I would become as a result of standing for Jesus....i wonder how bold i would be if given that chance to either stand for Jesus or blend in.

I've tried to explain my struggle with this concept of standing, and why its tough for me.....now i want to tell you a story.   So, I have a very close friend of mine who had asked me to be praying about her sister.......and that she would come to know Jesus as Savior.  Last night oppurtunity knocked.  Suddenly the sister i had been praying for turns to me, and says "jessica, what do you think about Hell and Heaven?" (while holding up a book about Revelation that I had kept in my book collection)  I answered her, praying for the Holy Spirit to speak through me so i would explain clearly what the Bible said about the reality of both places. 

It was her next question that rendered me timid and speechless.  She struggled aloud with the fact that so many of her friends who had called themselves Christians, didn't live or act like Jesus at all.....while I tried to keep the focus on who Jesus is, and what having a relationship with Him meant.  I explained what the Bible said, then showed her the verses...gave her my Bible in the New Living Translation.

While she may find the ambition, or get bored enough to open that Bible that i gave to her....what will matter most is what she sees in those who claim to be Christians.  If we can't mirror His image in our lives and consider Him in the choices we make, then how will she see what He looks like and desire Him for herself?  I will choose to reflect who He is, and that is "the stand" for me.

Life In Slow Motion...The Climb That Counts.

Life in slow motion is never easy.  As a human being, both mind and body are working in synch to progressively move forward through life.....instinctually that is.  My life has been and continues to be quite the opposite for some time now (for what feels like a lifetime to me.)  When i was in Bible College, i remember one pastor who referred to this time in life as "The Waiting Room".  I remember thinking as he rambled on, and honestly i don't even remember the man's name, but this analogy that he made echoes in my head over and over.  Its almost as if life for me, due to circumstance and undetected illness, has been continually frozen on the pause button.  Like i am stuck in this stall pattern, and frantic for God to hit the play button.  At this point any button would be nice actually.  RESUME PLAY.....thats all i want, and that can't be too much to ask right? 

What God is teaching me is that to want this life more than i want Him is wrong.......not to say that i should not want to enjoy life and have dreams.  Believe me, i do!   But to want to resume play, have control or fight to gain possession of the remote, is to dethrone my Creator.  Its like telling the God of The Universe, "Step back, i got this one."  I have been here and tried this method before.  Extremely difficult lesson to learn.......but God desires obedience that defies human nature.  His will for me is that i live for Him, out of love for Him regardless and even in spite of my circumstances....even if that means that i feel stuck in pause mode for awhile. 

He loved me enough to create me, and plan a life for me before i was concieved.  There is a plan, i trust Him enough to wait on Him and for His timing.

Letting go, and letting God.

I am VERY SANGUINE, that is the best description I could ever give of myself.....that is of my personality type i mean.  To anyone with a primarily Sanguine personality, relationships are of grave importance.  In fact, i find myself feeling alone and incomplete when i am feeling isolated, or disconnected from my usual social network or community.  After all, God did not mean for any of us to struggle through, or soar through life on our own!

Sanguine: This is the social-type. They enjoy fun, socialising, chatting, telling stories - and are fond of promising the world, because that's the friendly thing to do :)  Passionate about relationship building, loves people.

So it isn't difficult to imagine the deep sense of regret and loss experienced by the Sanguine when a relationship is severed or damaged. I push and struggle even harder to make the damaged relationships work.  Wasn't it God who commanded me to love as He loved, serve as He served and to give as He gave?   For me, the pain is nearly overwhelming, threatening to consume me.....then i remember that my life is not lived for me, or to cater to my own personal personality type.  God works in all situations, for my good and for His glory.  So i pray for the power to LET GO, AND LET GOD.

Although admitting this truth breaks my heart...there are unhealthy relationships that the Christian, even the Sanguine Christians are responsible before God to walk away from.  I am experiencing that pain in a very intense, and sobering way these past few weeks.  God is showing me that the letting go is necessary, as he moves me out of the way so that He can work......after all, He is the Author of reconciliation. He is the Transformer of hearts, and the Worker of miracles.

Post Christmas............

I wonder why it is that i always feel a sense of sadness and almost a sense of loss when i awake the morning after Christmas.  I suppose it must be a result of the climactic build up, then the crashing descent once all of the hustle and bustle comes to a halt.  At Christmas time the everyday drudgery of life seems not only bearable, but worries and doubts seem to dissappear entirely as hope blooms covered with a fluffy, frosty white blanket.









I know how flighty and circumstancially dependent that resolutions can be. I do have a couple ideas however.  Here are a few of mine:

• using less sugar
• exercising more since my balance is returning
• starting to run again

This New Year i am determined to look forward to future blessings that God will bring in 2011.  And to force this unthankful heart into submission.  My promises before God and even feelings toward Him may be circumstancially dependent, but His love and grace are always present in my life.......so i have a reason to be thankful and even expectant!